Books, Poetry & Prose: [21] 10 Things I Miss About Scotland



Books, Poetry & Prose

Samples of my very own Poetry and Short Stories, and one or two not so short stories, as well as my thoughts on Books, Writing, Life and the Universe.

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Location: Gold Coast, Australia

I was born in Motherwell, an industrial town in Scotland. I have lived in various parts of the world, including Edinburgh, London, New York, Seattle and now Australia's Gold Coast Hinterland where I have settled with my Australian wife Kerrianne. If you are into Books, Literature and Writing, welcome to my weblog. If not, welcome anyway.

  • [72]The Politics of Ignorance and Fear
  • [71]What Celtic Means To Me
  • [70]Aussie Cave Man
  • [69]No Shit
  • [68]Smoking Damages Your Brain
  • [67]Whatever Happened To Private Grief?
  • [66]A Lucrative Enterprise?
  • [65]To A Fart
  • [64]Scotland's Shame
  • [63]Bank Aid
  • [62]It's A Girl Thing
  • [61]The Kids Are Alright
  • [60]Return to Sender
  • [59]Gender Poetry
  • [58]Humour for Wordsmiths
  • [57]The Gold Coast
  • [56]A Glasgow Dynasty : Part 6 - Erchie's First Sale
  • [55]I Haven't Lived
  • [54]A Glasgow Dynasty: Part 5 - Slappin' a Polis
  • [53]A Glasgow Dynasty: Part 4 - Pissin' up a Close
  • [52]The God Delusion
  • [51]Maternal Advice
  • [50]A Glasgow Dynasty: Part 3 - Broken Biscuits
  • [49]A Killing Kindness
  • [48]A Glasgow Dynasty: Part 2 - Pissin' in the Sink
  • [47]A Glasgow Dynasty: Part 1 - The Man Fae The TV Licence
  • [46]A Slap on the Face
  • [45]How Did We Survive?
  • [44]The Black Hole
  • [43]Buried Alive
  • [42]The World Cup
  • [41]In the Movies...
  • [40]My Favourite Writers: James Kelman
  • [39]Vital Football
  • [38]My Favourite Beer
  • [37]The Dream
  • [36]Comb For Sale
  • [35]McNulty's Law
  • [34]Beware of the Dog
  • [33]The Substitute: An Extract from my Novel
  • [32]Books That Became Films
  • [31]Tall Boys and Wide Girls
  • [30]My First Novel: The Substitute
  • [29]My Favourite Writers: Louis de Bernières
  • [28]My 25 Favourite Films
  • [27]Decisions Decisions
  • [26]Devil's Desire
  • [25]Pain or Pleasure
  • [24]Out of the Mouths of Babes and Sucklings
  • [23]No More Tears
  • [22]Dame Muriel Spark 1918-2006
  • [21]10 Things I Miss About Scotland
  • [20]Little Red Riding Hood
  • [19]Natural Bridge
  • [18]Journey to Nowhere
  • [17]Westminster Man
  • [16]My 25 Favourite Albums
  • [15]Bless Me Father
  • [14]Overdrawn
  • [13]I've had it with Born-Again Christians
  • [12]Moonwalking
  • [11]My 25 Favourite Books
  • [10]Heroes and Sinners
  • [09]Thinking of Kerry
  • [08]An American Dream
  • [07]Never Again
  • [06]Under A Bridge
  • [05]Deep-Fried Madness
  • [04]Man in a Bookshop
  • [03]Was There A Time?
  • [02]The Executioner
  • [01]Will I Know Her?
  • Click Cover The Substitute to view my book

    Moby Dick


    "Nobody is perfect, but if you strive for perfection, you will never descend to mediocrity."


    Kerrianne



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    [21] 10 Things I Miss About Scotland

    1. Loch Lomond

    Australia is a vast and beautiful and very varied country, but I do miss the wonderful Scottish scenery, especially around Loch Lomond. I have sailed on the Loch, eaten lunch on the bonnie banks, enjoyed walking the hills which stand guard over the beautiful waters, and savoured a refreshing beer while watching the sun set behind Ben Lomond, which sits serenely at the north-east corner of the Loch.


    2. A Pint of Guinness
    Yes I know it's an Irish beer, but every bar in Scotland sells Guinness on tap. Here in Australia, I have to travel quite far to enjoy an ice-cold pint of the best beer in the world. I can buy it by the bottle in the local grog shop, but it is prohibitively expensive, and it's never as good from the bottle or can. I enjoy the occasional drive to the beach at Surfers Paradise, which is about 10k from home. There is an Irish Bar named O'Malley's on the sea-front, which sells a wonderful pint of the black stuff. Fortunately, Kerrianne doesn't drink alcohol, so I drive there and she drives back. Every man's fantasy is my Kerrianne. Cheers.


    3. Celtic Football Club

    I am a fanatical supporter of Celtic Football Club, which is based in the East End of Glasgow. I have followed them since my father took me to my very first game as an 8 year-old boy and have travelled all over Europe to watch them play. Each of their home games at the stadium, officially called Celtic Park, but affectionately known by all Celtic fans as "Paradise", is played in front of 60,000 equally fanatical Celtic fans. The club has millions of followers all over the world, mainly among Scots and Irish exiles, like yours truly. I watch all their games live on my PC, which because of the time difference, usually means the early hours of the morning, but I wouldn't miss it for the world. Kerrianne is also a fan now, having attended a few matches at Celtic Park, and she too never misses a game. Hail Hail.


    4. The Forth Bridge

    Just a few kilometers west of Edinburgh there are two bridges which span the Firth of Forth from West Lothian to the Kingdom of Fife. One is the Forth Road Bridge, a suspension bridge built in the 1960s. The other is the Forth Bridge, more commonly known as the Forth Rail Bridge since the opening of the road bridge. The Forth Bridge, as well as being a beautiful and awe-inspiring site, especially at night, is a spectacular feat of engineering. It is a cantilever bridge, built from 1883 till 1890. It was the biggest steel bridge construction in the world in its time, and is 2.5 kilometers in length.


    5. The Great Scottish Pub
    Australian pubs really suck. There is no other way to put it. They are more like gambling dens than bars, with half (or more) of the premises set aside as a "Pokie" joint, which is nothing more than a big room full of fruit machines and one-armed bandits, where customers, usually females, spend all their money before you can say "Waltzing Matilda". It really is quite sad to see and it is no surprise to discover that Australia has a severe problem with gambling addiction.

    Give me the great Scottish Pub every time. In a Scottish, indeed a British Pub, the emphasis is on drinking and socialising. Strict licensing laws limit the number of gambling machines in any bar to one only. In the UK the legal thinking is to ensure that gambling is kept separate from alcohol, as far as possible, which is eminently sensible as far as I am concerned. You can walk into a Scottish Pub as a complete stranger, and the locals will welcome you and treat you like a long lost friend. Try that in an Aussie pub and you will be suspected of being on the make, on the pull, or both. Slainte!


    6. Edinburgh

    Edinburgh is the capital of Scotland. It is known as the "Athens of the North" and having travelled to many of the world's great cities, I can safely say that Edinburgh is one of the most stunning and colourful cities I have ever seen. I had the pleasure of living there for 15 years. My two sons still live there and they love it. It is a joy to visit them from time to time and enjoy the splendour of "Auld Reekie" as it is known to most Scots. Great historical cities like Edinburgh is what young countries like the USA and Australia lack. The city is divided into the Medieval Old Town and the Georgian New Town. Edinburgh Castle is nearly a thousand years old and sits majestically in the centre of the city. Edinburgh also boasts the the world's biggest arts festival, which takes place in August and September each year and attracts millions of visitors from all over the world.


    7. The Letterbox
    Having lived in both the USA and Australia, I still cannot get my head round having to wander outside the home to fetch my mail from a mailbox located at the end of my driveway. Oh how I long for the days when the postman pushed the mail through my very own letterbox on my front door, where it fell in an untidy bundle on the floor inside my house. There is nothing quite like having breakfast in bed and having the dog, or Kerrianne, deliver the mail for me to open and read with my toast and boiled egg.

    Having to venture outdoors to collect the mail? It is so uncivilised.


    8. Betting on the Horses
    I used to enjoy a flutter on the horses. I loved watching the horse racing on television, having invested a small part of my hard-earned cash with the local bookmaker. British horseracing is so colourful and traditional and so well organised. In Australia, there is quite simply far too much of it. Betting places, known as "Tabs" are part of pubs or clubs, and cover all manner of gambling sports, from horseracing to trotting to pony-trekking to dog racing. There is no finesse in the presentation. The punter is bombarded with information on dozens of screens, and when one item finishes, it moves on quickly to the next one. There is no time to draw breath. Not a second to sit and relax and contemplate your next bet. As a result, I don't bet at all now. I long for the relaxed and carefree atmosphere of the Scottish Betting Shop, where you can take your time to study the runners and riders and place your bet at leisure before retiring to the pub or my own television to watch the racing.


    9. Snow

    Don't get me wrong. I love the constant sunshine of tropical Queensland, but now and again, especially at Christmas, I dream of walking in freshly fallen snow; building a snow man; and partaking in a snowball fight. I'm not at all keen on the ice and frost, but the snow is such great fun, and when it really snows, it is never too cold to venture out to enjoy it. Kerrianne really misses the cold in Scotland, which is very strange, being Australian born and bred.


    10. Shopping in Glasgow
    Whilst Edinburgh is the capital of Scotland, Glasgow is the main city with the highest population in the country, and whilst Edinburgh is the Financial and Cultural centre, Glasgow is the top UK city for shopping and fashion, outside London. Kerrianne and I used to love spending the day shopping in Glasgow, and walking along the many pedestrianised shopping areas, free of traffic and exhaust fumes. When it is raining, which let's face it, is not uncommon in Glasgow, there are several impressive indoor shopping malls.


    And 10 things I certainly do not miss about Scotland...


    1. Bagpipes
    I am sure I am not the only Scot who finds the sight and sound of the bagpipes to be an affront to my nation. It wouldn't be so bad if these pipers were to lock themselves away in a sound-proof room or sail to one of the many remote Scottish islands to assault each other's ears, but they insist on inflicting the agony on the millions of tourists who visit Scotland each year.





    2. Queuing at the Post Office
    It does not matter which time of the day or whatever day of the week you need to go there, the Scottish Post Office is permanently queuing to the door, and sometimes even out into the street. I have joined Australian Post Office queues, but they are invariably fast moving because, unlike in Scotland, when they see a queue forming, the management ensure that all serving counters are operational to minimise the waiting time.


    3. Orange Walks
    Probably the most negative and backward aspect of Scottish life is the presence of religious sectarianism between Catholics and Protestants. The main protagonists of this sorry state of affairs is the Orange Order, an anti-Catholic organisation which was imported from Ireland in the early 19th century. Every year the Orangemen march through towns and cities the length and breadth of Scotland to celebrate the Battle of the Boyne, which took place in Ireland in 1690. Yes 1690, more than 300 years ago. It wouldn't be so bad if they marched on the designated day for Orangeism, which is 12th July. No, they march for weeks before and after that date. In my home town of Motherwell, it was not unusual to be woken early on a Saturday morning by these drum-thumping bigots 3, 4, or 5 times every summer. It seems that almost every Saturday they find some excuse to march, and when they do, woe betide any Catholic who happens to cross their path later in the day when they are filled with drink and a lust for "fenian blood".


    4. Neds

    Walk through any residential estate in Scotland on any evening and you will see them. They gather on street corners, public parks, or shopping centres, dressed in shell suits and baseball caps, swigging bottles of cheap wine and strong lager or cider. This alcohol consumption makes them very brave as they shout abuse at passing elderly ladies on their way home from the bingo, or make v-signs at passing motorists, or gang up on decent young men who pass on their way home from work or a civilised night out.


    5. Litter

    Scotland is littered with litter. It is a social disease which is not restricted to neds. All ages and all sections of Scottish society are responsible for the disgusting litter which covers the streets. This is most notable first thing in the morning, before the street-cleaners come on duty, when the streets are littered with discarded fast-food cartons, half-eaten food, pizza boxes, beer bottles and cans. But even outwith the busy social and nightlife areas, generally the amount of litter needlessly dropped by people is disgusting, and will be eradicated only by a complete change in the attitude of Scottish people to their environment.


    6. Homelessness

    First of all, this is not an attack on homeless people. There are many and varied reasons why some people find themselves in that unfortunate position. No, what I despise is the way the homeless are allowed to sleep on the streets of Scottish cities. Princes Street in Edinburgh is Scotland's most famous thoroughfare and is visited by millions of tourists each year, yet you cannot walk twenty yards without encountering a poor homeless person begging for the price of a cup of tea.


    7. Graffiti
    Back in Motherwell, I walked through a pedestrian underpass on my way to the train station every morning. The walls were always freshly white-washed by council workers who came out every night under cover of darkness to remove the graffiti placed on the walls on the previous day. On my return journey at the end of the working day, the walls were covered in fresh graffiti, as the game of cat and mouse continued indefinitely. No matter where you go in Scotland, ugly graffiti is everywhere. It wouldn't be so bad if it was the artistic graffiti we see in other countries, but it's just wanton vandalism.


    8. Cyclists
    Cyclists in Scotland believe they own the roads and are a law unto themselves. They ignore the highway code and have no consideration for anyone else but themselves. Motor vehicles stop at a red light, but what does the Scottish cyclist do. He simply rides up onto the pavement and back onto the road he is intending to use and proceeds on his merry way. Even when all four roads are stopped by traffic lights to allow pedestrians to cross the road, the Scottish cyclist simply dismounts and walks with his bicycle.


    9. Road Rage

    I have definitely noticed a huge difference between Scottish and Australian drivers. In Scotland, everyone believes he or she is the perfect driver, incapable of making a mistake, which is why there is such a high incidence of road rage in Scotland, ranging from a rude V-sign to actual bodily harm and even murder from time to time. Australian drivers on the other hand, are extremely patient and tolerant. When I started driving in Australia, inevitably I made the occasional mistake, and on each occasion I braced myself for the expected tirade of abuse. Much to my surprise, I found that Australian drivers just got on with it and there were no rude gestures, no smoke coming out of ears, no air turning blue. Of course road rage does exist in Australia, but in my experience the Aussie drivers are far more civilised than their Scottish/British counterparts.


    10. Rain

    This hardly needs any explanation. A few years ago I moved to Seattle, in the American Pacific North-West, only to discover that I had moved from the rainiest city in the world, to the second rainiest city in the world. It's not just the rain. In Glasgow and the West of Scotland, it can rain, hail, snow and shine, all in the one day. Mix the rain with gale force winds, and it is time to stay in the pub, so I suppose it has its advantages.

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